<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>i'm holding on by ariabones</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28693998">i'm holding on</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ariabones/pseuds/ariabones'>ariabones</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>everything's so heavy [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Brother Feels, Brotherly Love, F/M, Family Angst, Family Feels, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Loki POV, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Acceptance, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Therapy, Thor Needs a Hug (Marvel), Thor POV, Thor is a Good Bro (Marvel), Trauma Recovery, aftermath of kidnapping, they both get hugs</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 08:00:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,956</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28693998</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ariabones/pseuds/ariabones</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>One year later, Loki is found.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Loki &amp; Thor, Loki/Sigyn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>everything's so heavy [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2065557</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>37</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was another bad day.</p><p> </p><p>Thor listened passively as his english teacher went on and on about character development in the assigned book they were discussing. The book lay on Thor’s desk, opened on a random page, his pencil at the centre. He was to be annotating, writing down the key themes being talked about, how the character’s disillusionment is represented in the state of their room but Thor couldn’t find it in himself to care.</p><p> </p><p>He couldn’t concentrate. The school year had just started last week but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. Not when the summer vacation he’d spent looking for Loki proved fruitless.</p><p> </p><p>The same heavy feeling that had settled in his chest on the day they confirmed Loki’s disappearance, grew heavier making it difficult to breathe. The pressure built, moving from his chest down towards his stomach and the breakfast he took threatened to make an appearance. The same pressure steadily made its way to the back of his eyes and a heat settled there. </p><p> </p><p>Thor closed his eyes, biting his lip painfully enough to steal his focus from the threat of being swept away by his emotions.</p><p> </p><p>“Mr. Odinson?”</p><p> </p><p>Thor opened his eyes and met the worried eyes of his english teacher. He glanced around. The room was empty. He hadn’t even noticed the bell ring. He stood up, unconsciously wiping at his eyes even though there was nothing there.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry. I’ll be on my way.”</p><p> </p><p>His teacher opened her mouth, probably to give unwarranted sympathies but Thor left before she could. He wasn’t in the mood.</p>
<hr/><p>Chemistry was his last class for the day and Thor was lucky enough to be paired up with Bruce for the class assignment. Bruce didn’t mind doing most of the work, simply asking Thor to pass him certain apparatus or to write down his findings. They were both aware on what day it was and his friends were wise enough to not bring too much attention to it.</p><p> </p><p>It was 7th September. Exactly one year since Thor last saw his brother. </p><p> </p><p>He tried not to think too much of it, otherwise the grief would overwhelm him as much as it did on most days. But it was too much. <em> Everyone </em> was talking about it.</p><p> </p><p>The headline of the day’s newspaper talked of the ‘Anniversary of Odin Borson’s Son’s Disappearance’. There had been press parked outside their home wanting to get a statement. The school had called ahead to warn the family that they were dealing with those who parked outside the school. His parents had wanted him to stay home but Thor didn’t want to sit alone with nothing but his thoughts. So Heimdall -their head of security- drove him to school and stayed on site for the rest of the day. Some teachers had managed to catch him and offer their condolences- the Principal had advised him to see the school counselor. At least the students had the decency to stop talking about Loki when Thor was around.</p><p> </p><p>Thor fidgeted with the bracelet on his wrist. It was leather, black in colour with two beads- one green, one red. It had been a gift Loki himself had made when he was ten for Thor’s twelfth  birthday. Thor had loved it, he’d worn it for two weeks before Sif had accidentally cut it forcing Thor to keep it in his desk and Loki...Loki had been so proud. He’d been nervous when giving Thor his gift but when Thor proclaimed his love, he’d smiled. It had been one his true smiles -not the tight lipped smiles when he was faintly amused- but a real smile. Wide, shy, <em> happy </em>.</p><p> </p><p>Thor had got the strap fixed and he’d never taken it off since. He felt a lump form in his throat. He tried to swallow it but a small gasp escaped instead. The despair tinged with guilt rose and he was drowning.</p><p> </p><p>“Thor?”</p><p> </p><p>Blinking, Thor turned to his friend. Bruce was watching him with worried eyes. Thor tried to smile but even he could tell how fake it was. He coughed to clear his throat but his voice was husky when he spoke, “Yes?”</p><p> </p><p>Bruce nodded at the paper in Thor’s hand. “We’re done. You can hand it in.”</p><p> </p><p>Thor frowned and glanced down to find they had answered all the questions.</p><p> </p><p>“Ah, right. Thanks.”</p><p> </p><p>Thor stood and made his way to the front of the class to hand in their work. He sat back down and watched everyone else work while Bruce scrolled through his phone. He frowned. “Tony’s looking for you?”</p><p> </p><p>Thor faced his friend. “What? Why?” Thor had turned his phone off earlier in the day. He wasn’t in the mood for phone calls or messages on his social media from strangers.</p><p> </p><p>Bruce adjusted his glasses. “He says it’s something important. He’ll be here when sch-”</p><p> </p><p>“Mr. Banner, I know you’re already done with your work but you know the rules, no phones,” the teacher said from his desk.</p><p> </p><p>Bruce grimaced and put his phone away. “Sorry sir.”</p><p> </p><p>Thor glanced at the clock. They had about fifteen minutes left. What could possibly be so important that Stark left his own conference instead of sending a simple text?</p><p> </p><p>The minutes seemed to drag, fifteen minutes felt like an hour but the final bell rang and the remaining students handed in their work while Thor and Bruce left the class.</p><p> </p><p>“Where is he?” Thor asked. He adjusted his bag.</p><p> </p><p>Bruce looked at his phone. “He said he’ll meet you at the field. I’ll come with. I want to know how his presentation went.”</p><p> </p><p>Thor snorted. “You and I both know it went well, Stark’s a genius.”</p><p> </p><p>“A genius billionaire selling technology to the government. Sometimes I ask myself why he bothers with school at all.”</p><p> </p><p>They’d just exited the back doors, the football field in front of them when they passed a group of students seated at the steps.</p><p> </p><p>“Erik, that’s a dick thing to say.”</p><p> </p><p>The boy at the centre- Erik- snorted and said loud enough for anyone near to hear, “Please. We all know Baby Odinson ran away. Kidnapped my ass. Probably did it for attention. Maybe someone did us all a favour and got rid o-.”</p><p> </p><p>Erik stopped, the person near him having punched his fist against Erik’s shoulder repeatedly having seen Thor behind them.</p><p> </p><p>“What?” Erik turned and if Thor wasn’t angry, he would have found his face comical. All the blood had drained from his face. He was pale and shaking as he stood up, taking steps backwards and away from Thor’s thunderous place.</p><p> </p><p>“What did you say?” the words were said through gritted teeth. Thor took a threatening step towards him, his hands shaking at his sides.</p><p> </p><p>No one was allowed to talk like that, especially about his little brother.</p><p> </p><p>Erik raised his hands. “Look, I didn’t mean it. Just some harmless fun.”</p><p> </p><p>“Harmless fun! My brother is missing and you think that’s a joke!” Thor felt his eyes sting. It wasn’t right.</p><p> </p><p>“THOR! THOR!”</p><p> </p><p>Thor wanted to punch the stupid kid in the face and call it harmless fun. He had no right to talk about Loki like that and Thor had to set him straight, especially since it was his fault his brother disappeared. Thor could never handle guilt well but this- using his fists- that he could do.</p><p> </p><p>“THOR!”</p><p> </p><p>Snapped out of his vengeful red haze, Thor turned to see Tony running towards him. He was waving his tablet around, tears in his eyes. Bruce caught him when he staggered to a stop.</p><p> </p><p>“Stark what-”</p><p> </p><p>Tony shoved the tablet in his hand.</p>
<hr/><p>Thor ran.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em> “...you know JARVIS, the technology I developed to help police find criminals…” </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>He ran across the hospital parking field.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em> “...I didn’t want to get your hopes up incase but Thor…” </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>He ran through the hospital corridor, ignoring the calls of the doctors and nurses.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em> “...I found him..” </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Loki. He was alive.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Trigger warning: Mention of child kidnapping and sex trafficking. Mentioned when Steve asks, "Do you know what happened?"</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Once, when Thor was seven, he’d wanted to play outside during a thunderstorm. His parents weren’t home and the babysitter wasn’t paying the two of them any attention, so he started to sneak out.</p><p> </p><p>“What are you doing?” a five-year Loki had looked up from his picture book, his eyes narrowed suspiciously.</p><p> </p><p>“I want to go play,” Thor said.</p><p> </p><p>Loki had frowned and glanced out the window. “But it’s raining.”</p><p> </p><p>Thor shrugged. It didn’t matter to him. Besides, he wanted to watch the thunderstorm.</p><p> </p><p>“Can I come?” Loki’s eyes were wide and pleading.</p><p> </p><p>“No Loki. You’re too little!”</p><p> </p><p>“Am not!” Loki had crossed his arms in defiance, his bottom lip trembling. Tears glistened at the corner of his eyes and Thor felt his heart constrict.</p><p> </p><p>Thor groaned. “Fine but we need to hurry.”</p><p> </p><p>Loki’s expression changed to that of joy and he stood up quickly, rushing to grab his brother’s hand as they snuck out the back door. They'd played in the rain, splashing puddles and throwing mud at each other. It was one of their fondest memories until they were caught by the babysitter who forced them go back inside. But getting caught wasn’t the worst that happened- Loki fell sick.</p><p> </p><p>Their parents had been furious when they found out what had happened from Thor when they asked him how Loki could have gotten sick.</p><p> </p><p>He remembered going to Loki’s room and seeing him lying under the covers, still, sweating and struggling to breathe. He’d started crying when his father picked Loki up, saying that they had to take him to the hospital. His mother had tried to calm him, telling him that Loki would be fine but Thor couldn’t be consoled, his brother’s still figure burned in his memory.</p><p> </p><p>Now, Thor stood beside the hospital bed, his fingers tight around Loki’s, watching his brother’s still form under the hospital blankets. Tears dropped from his eyes, wetting their clasped fingers. He tried to take a deep breath but it lodged in his throat, a sob threatening to escape.</p><p> </p><p>Loki was still unconscious. There was an ugly bruise on the side of his face in the shape of a handprint. His right hand was in a cast but aside from that- he looked healthy. He didn’t look as though he’d been mistreated for the one year he’d been missing. Thor felt sick to the stomach.</p><p> </p><p>The door opened and his mother walked in. Her eyes were still red from the time Thor arrived to find her sobbing over Loki, her hand running over his hair.</p><p> </p><p>“Thor,” she smiled at him, moving to kiss him on the cheek and Loki on the forehead. She sat down on the chair opposite Thor and rested her hand on Loki’s arm in a cast.</p><p> </p><p>“Have they arrived?” Thor asked, clearing his throat when it came out in a croak.</p><p> </p><p>His mother nodded. “Your dad’s meeting them outside before they come here.”</p><p> </p><p>A minute later, the door opened and his father walked in, trailing him were two men. Thor knew one of them. He was his friends’ -Natasha and Clint- adoptive dad.</p><p> </p><p>“Director Fury.”</p><p> </p><p>Said man smiled at Thor. “Hello son. Nice to finally meet you in person but I wish the circumstances were better. This is one of my agents, Phil Coulson. He led the search for Mr. Odinson." He paused, "I think it’s time we explained.”</p><p> </p><p>His gaze shifted to the second youngest in the room but Thor growled, “I’m not leaving.”</p><p> </p><p>“Son…”</p><p> </p><p>“No!” Thor held Loki’s hand tighter. He couldn’t- <em> wouldn’t </em>- leave his brother. He’d done that once and Loki had ended up kidnapped. He would not fail to protect his brother and for him to do that he had to know what happened- he had to know what he was guilty of- to make sure it never happened again.</p><p> </p><p>Director Fury glanced at his parents and when they both nodded their assent, he began. “I believe you know an Anthony Stark Junior? His father used to work for S.H.I.E.L.D before he passed away. During your summer break he came to us with technology that would use facial recognition to find some of our most wanted criminals. He said he’ll give it to us, on the condition we use it to find Mr. Odinson first.”</p><p> </p><p>Thor fought back more tears. He owed Stark his life.</p><p> </p><p>Agent Coulson picked up. “We agreed. We asked for his case file for A.P.D. At first we also couldn’t find anything then we recognised something. A pattern.”</p><p> </p><p>“A pattern?” Odin asked.</p><p> </p><p>The agent nodded. “How your son was- was taken is similar to several cases in several countries: Zen-Whoberi, Vanaheim, Alfheim, Jotunheim, Midgard a-and Asgard.” He glanced at Loki sorrowfully. “It’s a group that calls themselves the Black Order…”</p><p> </p><p>Odin cursed, loudly. His mother started crying. Thor felt himself start to panic.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s the Black Order?”</p><p> </p><p>He turned to his father and was shocked to see tears in his eyes. Thor had never seen his father cry, never. It was getting difficult to breathe.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s the Black Order!” he shouted at his father through bleary eyes.</p><p> </p><p>Odin swallowed and explained.</p>
<hr/><p>Thor was emotionally exhausted by the time the two agents left the room. His cheeks were stained from the amount of tears he'd cried and he’d had to drop Loki’s hand when his father explained what the Black Order was in fear of crushing it.</p><p> </p><p>He was alone in the room. His father had gone to deal with the agents and the A.P.D while his mother went in search for the doctor in lieu of the...recent developments.</p><p> </p><p>Thor watched Loki, the rise and fall of his chest.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> You failed. You failed to protect him and look at what happened. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Thor thought he’d run out of tears but apparently he was wrong. What those monsters had done to Loki- to his little brother... He wished he’d never remained in the room when they explained what had happened. Guilt ate at his insides, his heart hurt and all he wanted to do was lie down and cry. He couldn’t do that though because Loki was back and he had to be strong for him.</p><p> </p><p>There was a knock at the door and Thor turned to see Steve and Tony standing outside. He didn’t want to leave his brother’s side but he knew Loki wouldn’t want anyone to see him like that.</p><p> </p><p>Standing up, he made his way outside. He left the door slightly open so he could see Loki out of the corner of his eye.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey buddy, how’re you doing?” Steve’s asked, clapping his shoulder, his face contorted in concern.</p><p> </p><p>Thor wiped a hand over his face. “Not good.”</p><p> </p><p>There was a silence.</p><p> </p><p>“An- and Loki?”</p><p> </p><p>Thor wanted to reply but a sob escaped instead. </p><p> </p><p>“He...he...they.”</p><p> </p><p>Arms went around him and Thor buried his face in Steve’s shoulder. He felt Tony’s hand rub his back as tremors raked his body. He hated that he was crying, why was he crying? He wasn’t the one who’d gone missing for a year going through horrible experiences. He forced back the tears that wanted to run their course. No more crying.</p><p> </p><p>“Stark, I owe you. What you did, I can’t pay you back,” Thor said. He pulled away from the embrace, wiping at his face with his sleeve.</p><p> </p><p>Tony shook his head. “You don’t owe me anything. The Science Trio wouldn’t be the same without him.” The joke fell flat due to the circumstances but Thor appreciated it nonetheless. </p><p> </p><p>“Do you know what happened?” Steve asked.</p><p> </p><p>Thor nodded and leaned his back against the wall.</p><p> </p><p>“The Black Order.”</p><p> </p><p>“Shit.” Tony’s eyes were wide. Steve looked confused, “What’s that?”</p><p> </p><p>Tony floundered. “It...It’s a-. It’s-”</p><p> </p><p>“Child sex trafficking.” </p><p> </p><p>Thor was blunt. Tony closed his eyes and Steve glanced at the room with Loki.</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck.”</p>
<hr/><p>It was nearing six in the evening when the sound of running footsteps woke Thor up from his light doze. He nearly fell from his seat in surprise when the door opened. A girl walked in and Thor stood to greet her.</p><p> </p><p>“Sigyn.”</p><p> </p><p>Sigyn rushed forward and Thor wrapped her in a hug.</p><p> </p><p>“I-I just found out. My mum didn’t think to tell me until I got home,” her voice cracked and Thor felt a twinge of guilt of having not thought to call her. He should have. If there was someone who loved Loki as much as he did, it was Sigyn.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay you’re here now,” he reassured. “I’m sorry I didn’t call you when I found out.”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t have the energy to be mad right now.” She pulled away from him but her gaze remained on Thor, her attempts to not look at the figure in the bed very obvious.</p><p> </p><p>Thor noticed. “Sigyn-” To his horror, tears started streaking down her face. </p><p> </p><p>“I- I can’t look at him. I’m...I’m scared I’m just imagining this,” she cried.</p><p> </p><p>Fighting off tears himself, Thor grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the bed.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s real.”</p><p> </p><p>Sigyn finally turned to see her best friend and a wail passed through her lips. She stepped towards Loki, her trembling hand rested against his and the physical assurance that Loki was <em> here </em> , that Loki was <em> alive </em>, made her start bawling.</p><p> </p><p>“Loki,” she whimpered as her other hand came up to cradle his cheek.</p><p> </p><p>She leaned down and rested her forehead on his, her tears wetting Loki’s cheeks. Feeling like he was intruding on something very personal, Thor looked away.</p><p> </p><p>He dug his nails into his palm when Sigyn cried out his brother’s name again. </p><p> </p><p>“Thor!”</p><p> </p><p>He snapped his attention to Sigyn who glanced at him excitedly. Instinctively, Thor looked at his brother.</p><p> </p><p>Green met blue. </p><p> </p><p>“He’s awake!”</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>